Im so sick of writing all these depressing posts. On one hand they help me release the bad feelings/thoughts.. but on the other hand they just make me indulge further into this negative part of my mind.
I dont really know what changed. I just know that im barely the person i used to be. And it makes me sick~
I’ve always been prone to drown in sadness.. for whatever reason. But now anxiety has taken over half of my life..
I never really liked going to school.. but thats not unusual.. no one really likes it. I mean why should one like it, if you can cuddle up in bed instead and do fun things.
But now things are different. I don’t just hate it.. it breakes me.
My grades are good.. but i feel like the efford i make to achieve that just brings me to my edge.
I could do way more for school. There are many people who study way more than i do.. but for me…its just too much.
Its mainly the pressure i bring upon myself.
Holidays make me happy. They just feel so fricking relaxing. I feel free. Because i dont have to measure my time. I can just enjoy fun things without thinking about going to bed early or upcoming tests, in the back of my head. I just feel like myself again after a loong time. And that just makes it even harder at the end of those holidays. Because then i start to fear the beginning of the old routine.. and the pressure.. and the anxiety.
I just want to enjoy the free time off from school that i have. But instead i fear the next day rather than enjoy.
And i know that is stupid.. but that doesnt help me to stop. Nothing does really.
I wish i could just run away from my stupid mind.. but i cant. How should i.
its just a vicious cycle.